You Can't Do That At Hogwarts
by ether-patient
Summary: This is what happens, Larry.


**Harry Potter Meets _You Can't Do That On Television_   
by Valerie Keller**

"FEMINISM"

_Graphic of Botticelli's "Birth of Venus," with Venus in combat boots, ripped fishnets, green spiky hair and a tank top that reads DYKE POWER. _

ANNOUNCER: "The Feminine Mistake" will not be seen today, in order that we may bring you the following error-ridden production.

-OPENING THEME-

LINK SET-Intro 

(Ron, Hermione, Fred, George)

RON: Hi, and welcome to this week's episode of _You Can't Do That on Television. _Today we're going to be looking at a very important and, er -- _he shoots a look at HERMIONE, who eyes him__-- __sensitive _topic: feminism.

HERMIONE: That's right, Ron -- it _is_ important. Why, up until recent years, witches have had to --

_FRED and GEORGE walk on behind RON and HERMIONE, appearing deep in conversation about the pros and cons of using dungbombs to get out of detention. _

HERMIONE: Hello, Fred, hello, George. You're just in time to hear the introduction to today's topic!

_She turns to face the camera._

GEORGE: Brilliant, mates. What is it?

HERMIONE: Feminism!

FRED: _Grinning mischievously._ Feminism, eh?

RON: _With a quick glance at HERMIONE, as if to make sure she's listening. _Yeah, equal rights for female wizards, the women's lib movement, things like that.

_HERMIONE nods approvingly as FRED and GEORGE exchange a quick, devious glance. _

HERMIONE: I was just going to _say_ that up until recently, witches have had to fight for basic rights such as-

FRED: _To RON, ignoring HERMIONE._ Did you say 'women's lib?'

_HERMIONE sighs loudly, frustrated._

RON: Sure, you know, 'women's liberation.'

_FRED and GEORGE look at each other again, then explode into giggles, scampering off screen together. _

RON: Hey, where are you guys…no, I don't think I want to know.

HERMIONE: Right, it doesn't matter. Now, as I was _saying._ Witches have long had to fight for what little respect and dignity-

_A loud bang is heard off screen, followed by hysterical laughter from FRED and GEORGE. _

HERMIONE: _Throws up her hands._ Oh, good grief.

RON: Did I say I didn't want to know? What I meant was, I really, really _want_ to know.

HERMIONE: _Resigned._ Oh, just go, Ron.

_Guiltily, he goes. HERMIONE takes a deep breath and smiles, as if about to start her spiel over, when more fizzing and popping is heard offstage, followed by laughter from RON. _

HERMIONE: _Helplessly appeals to the camera. _Well, I can't just _leave_ him with those two!

_She runs off after them._

2. THE DURSLEYS' LIVING ROOM

(Vernon, Petunia, Dudley, Harry)

_VERNON is sitting in his easy chair, engrossed in his evening paper. PETUNIA is on the couch, struggling (in her vast yellow rubber gloves) to knit something large, shapeless and blue.   
DUDLEY opens the living room door quietly and starts tiptoeing across the room behind his parents. HARRY follows shortly after, not trying to be at all quiet. DUDLEY'S face is cut and bruised, his shirt torn and dirty, as if he's been in a fight._

PETUNIA: _Hearing DUDLEY but not turning around just yet. _Oh, Dudley, you're home! I've been just _itching_ to show you the sweater I've knitted for you; it says "Dudders" on the front-OH! _She catches sight of DUDLEY'S face._ Dudley, my sweet, what's _happened_ to you?

_VERNON looks over, starts, and jumps to his feet._

VERNON: Dudley, son, have you had a barney? _VERNON and PETUNIA exchange looks-VERNON is delighted, PETUNIA horrified._ My boy! Been in a good brawl, then, eh? D'you show him a bit of the old Dursley charm? Bet he had the other fellow begging for mercy, Petunia-say, Dudley, who _was _the other fellow?

PETUNIA: Vernon, don't _encourage _him!-Yes, tell us, Dudley. Tell us who _did_ this to you. I'll call his mother _straight_ away.

VERNON: Oh, for heaven's sake, Petunia, do you want to get the boy in _another_ fight? Just let him-Dudley? Son, are you all right?

_DUDLEY has turned greenish, but still hesitates, avoiding eye contact with his parents. HARRY, who has been watching with some amusement, arms folded, rolls his eyes._

HARRY: Go on, Dudley, tell them.

VERNON: _Turning suspiciously on HARRY._ You were there too, then? You haven't got a mark on you!

HARRY: _Ignoring VERNON._ You can't call his mother, Aunt Petunia.

PETUNIA: Oh? And why's that, you little boil? _She pauses nastily._ Hasn't he _got_ one?

DUDLEY: _Desperately._ Harry, wait-

HARRY: _Just as nastily._ You can't call _his _mother, because it wasn't a _he._ Dudley got beat up by a _girl!_

_There is a shocked silence. The DURSLEYS look at DUDLEY, who glares at HARRY._

PETUNIA: A _girl,_ Dudley?

DUDLEY: Not just a _girl,_ Mum. Brenda Bogswallop. She's built like a _tank._

VERNON: Nonsense, it's just the jealous little wart making up stories. No son of mine could be bested by some…some pig-tailed, ruffle-skirted, soft-hearted little GIRL!

_There is a tremendous pounding on the front door. DUDLEY looks terrified._

BRENDA: _Off-stage_ DURSLEY, YOU BLOODY GREAT COWARD! GET BACK OUT HERE AND FIGHT LIKE A _MAN!_

_The DURSLEYS are thunderstruck._

HARRY: _Grinning madly._ Ah, there's the pig-tailed, ruffle-skirted, soft-hearted little girl now!

_Cut as VERNON lunges for HARRY._

3. FIRING RANGE

(Capitano, Ginny, Amigos)

_GINNY stands against the post, looking remarkably calm and brave._

CAPITANO: _Raises his sword._ Ready -- aim -- _GINNY closes her eyes._ Wait, wait, wait. Stop the execution.

GINNY: _Annoyed_ Oy! What's the hold-up?

CAPITANO: _Sighing loudly_ I can't have you _shot_, Virginia.

GINNY: _Confused _Why ever not?

CAPITANO: Because -- _He eyes the AMIGOS warily, then lowers his voice, leaning closer to GINNY __ -- __because, _you're a GIRL.

GINNY: Oh, well spotted, Capitano.

CAPITANO: So you think that's funny, do you? Darn kids, always gotta make some smart comment -- _He continues to mutter as he unties GINNY and shoos her off camera. He stops in front of the post with his arms folded stubbornly as the AMIGOS laugh and make catcalls._Yeah, yeah. What do you guys think I am, _stupido?_ That would have been career suicide. I mean, shooting boys is fine, but as soon as you start executing girls then it's the women's leagues all shouting 'sexism,' and before you know it you're FIRED!

_Pause_

No, no! Wait!

_AMIGOS fire. CAPITANO falls._

4. LINK SET-Part Two

(Hermione, Ron, Angelina, Alicia)

_HERMIONE steers RON onto the set firmly by the elbow._

HERMIONE: Ron, I just don't think they're a good _influence_ on you.

RON: _Glaring at HERMIONE._ For heaven's sake, Hermione, they're my own flesh and blood!

HERMIONE: That doesn't mean you have to act like it.

_ALICIA and ANGELINA run in, clad in towels, dripping wet and furious._

RON: 'Ey, what's all this then?

_HERMIONE, shocked, claps a hand over RON'S eyes, but he indignantly bats it away._

ANGELINA: All right, where are they? We know they came through here.

RON: Where…where are who?

ALICIA: Just wait till I get at those little _gits_ with my wand!

_She waves her wand menacingly. RON ducks._

HERMIONE: Who's a git?

ANGELINA: They'll be sorry they ever messed with us!

ALICIA: They'll be sorry they were ever _born!_

ANGELINA: They'll be-

RON and HERMIONE: _Who _will?

ANGELINA: Fred and George Weasley! Who else?

_RON groans. HERMIONE steams._

HERMIONE: _Muttering_ I should have _known_ they weren't really experimenting with transfiguring wave particles!

RON: Er, don't beat yourself up, Hermione.

ALICIA: We were having our showers after Quidditch practice today when those wretched little snakes-

ANGELINA: Wretched, conniving, _bottom-dwelling_ snakes-

ALICIA: --_stole _our robes from the locker room!

ANGELINA: And they left this _she waves her wand_ in their place.

_A large glowing sign floats magically over their heads. RON reads it admiringly._

RON: 'The Weasley Women's Liberation Front: Liberating women from their clothing since about 25 minutes ago.'

_RON trails off, snickering to himself, until he notices the poisonous stares of the three girls._

RON: Hey, all in fun, ladies.

_ANGELINA and ALICIA hurry off camera, swearing under their breath. HERMIONE stalks off after them, muttering to herself._

HERMIONE: …single-handedly set the women's movement back 50 _years_…

5. THE DURSLEYS' DINNER TABLE

(Vernon, Petunia, Harry, Dudley, Brenda)

_VERNON and HARRY sit at the table while PETUNIA sets out a steaming dish of what appears to be vomit. HARRY pretends to gag until silenced by a glare from VERNON._

VERNON: Where on earth's Dudley? I called him three times.

HARRY: _With mock concern_ He never misses a meal!

PETUNIA: Shut up, boil. _Pleasantly, to VERNON._ Didn't he tell you, darling? Dudley's bringing his new girlfriend for dinner tonight. _HARRY chokes on his milk. A door slams._ That'll be them now!

_DUDLEY enters with an equally tremendous girl. HARRY gapes._

DUDLEY: _Awkwardly_ Mum, Dad, I'd like you to meet-

HARRY: Brenda _Bogswallop?_

VERNON and PETUNIA: Brenda Bogswallop!

VERNON: But…but Dudders! Don't you want a girlfriend who-well, who acts like a _girl?_

DUDLEY: _Holier-than-thou _Real women know how to defend themselves, Dad. _He gazes lovingly at BRENDA._ Brenda's going to teach me her trademark headlock tomorrow.

_VERNON sputters and whirls on HARRY, who holds up his hands in surrender._

HARRY: Calm down, Uncle Vernon…it's just-

_He glances knowingly at PETUNIA._

HARRY and PETUNIA: The introduction to the opposites!

_Screen flip-flops._

6. LOCKER ROOM – OPPOSITES

(Oliver Wood, Gryffindor Quidditch Team-Goblet of Fire)

_The GRYFFINDOR TEAM sits casually in the locker room, some on the bench, some on the floor, some standing. They chat quietly, opening and closing lockers and tying their shoes. OLIVER WOOD walks in, wearing a gray T-shirt and sweatpants, sporting a baseball cap and a silver whistle around his neck. He is carrying a clipboard. He looks very coach-like._

OLIVER: OK, team, listen up!

_The team goes silent and form a semicircle around OLIVER._

I realize we haven't had much time to practice, what with all the driving hailstorms this month.

_Some mournful sounds are heard from the players._

And yes, I realize we're playing Slytherin, our sworn enemies. And of course we all know they've managed to get in several practices with illegal Drying Charms.

_Even more disgruntlement from the team._

And yes, I realize that 25 of our team _motions to the girls_ is coping with killer PMS-chin up, ladies-and another 25 _this time indicates FRED and GEORGE_ has had 33 consecutive days of detention for putting a Windstorm Pellet on Professor Snape's chair during Potions.

_FRED and GEORGE high-five each other. OLIVER smiles indulgently._

I realize that our MVP _turns on HARRY with a dazzling smile_ is number one on the shit list of the most powerful Death Eater the wizarding world has ever seen, and has therefore been slightly, er, distracted as of late –

_Everyone cringes, ducks, and avoids eye contact with OLIVER, waiting for the other shoe to drop._

But I want you all to know that, whether we win or lose next week…I love you guys. _He tears up._ C'mon, everybody, group hug! Group hug!

_He squeezes his eyes shut and holds out his arms. The TEAM exchange horrified glances and edge away from OLIVER._

FRED: _Muttering_ I guess this is what you call 'getting in touch with your feminine side.'

7. HAGRID'S HUT – OPPOSITES

(Hagrid, Harry, Hermione, Ron)

_HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE are sitting at Hagrid's wooden table, chatting casually. HAGRID brings over three steaming dishes of food, which he places before each of the students with a flourish._

HAGRID: Dinner is served!

_The kids exchange wary glances as they peer into the serving dish._

HARRY: Er – what's this, Hagrid?

HERMIONE: Freshly baked rock cakes?

RON: Stoat soufflé?

HAGRID: _Shooting them dirty looks. _D'I heard that! No, I though' I'd try somethin' a little different this evenin' – wha' we've got here is grilled chicken breasts, ligh'ly marinated in herbs – me own dear mum's recipe – and topped by diced tomatoes in a creamy velouté sauce, with a side of tender new potatoes steamed with sweet garlic and dill.

_RON and HARRY stare at HAGRID, open-mouthed. HERMIONE grins._

HERMIONE: _Beaming _Why, Hagrid! It's so nice to see men taking an interest in traditionally feminine chores.

_RON perks up at this, scooting his chair imperceptibly closer to HERMIONE._

RON: _Casually_ You know, Hermione, I can make lasagna…

8. POTIONS DUNGEON – OPPOSITES

(Snape, Harry)

_HARRY is sitting alone at a desk with an enormous book before him, opened to the first page. SNAPE paces back and forth in front of HARRY'S desk._

SNAPE: For your detention this afternoon, Potter, I'd like you to copy out pages two through…let's see… _He flips carelessly through the book._ one thousand, four hundred and thirty-eight.

HARRY: But, Professor, this is supposed to be an opposites sketch – and you give me detention all the time!

SNAPE: Quite right, Potter, quite right. However, if you'll take a closer look at the title of the book…

_HARRY flips to the cover of the book and peers at it._

HARRY: 'An Exhaustive Encyclopedia of Women in Wizarding!'

SNAPE: As you can see, I've begun to embrace a more holistic, feminist curriculum!

_SNAPE frolics out of the classroom, humming a happy tune to himself._


End file.
